


The Before & The Now

by ChibiPanda



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brothers, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fighting, Friendship, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 17:18:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18451097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiPanda/pseuds/ChibiPanda
Summary: 'Everything was stressful. Being given only a year to find a company who thought he was worthy, was stressful. Entering JYP without knowing anybody, was stressful. Trying to live up to Chan’s talent, his standards, was stressful. Accepting that Changbin was better and more talented, was stressful.Hwang Hyunjin was stressful.'It is crazy to think so much could change in only a couple years. But here's Jisung sobbing on stage into Hyunjin open arms - so clearly anything is possible.





	The Before & The Now

**Author's Note:**

> I enjoyed writing this, so I hope you enjoy reading it <3

Two years. If someone had said to Jisung two years ago that he’d be standing on stage, with a team, being given the first place award on a music show, sobbing into Hyunjin’s shoulder – that Hyunjin would be petting his head and whispering encouragement – if someone had said that, Jisung would have done two things; he’d of cringed and laughed. The former, in private. The latter, to the speaker’s face.

Maturity was something that comes with experiences, with education, with willingness. Jisung had those, or at the very least tried to – wanted to. But it wasn't an easy thing to obtain.

“Shh...Sungie,” Hyunjin laughed quietly as he whispered over the cheers and Chan’s speech, “You did so good. We won. Jisung, we won. Don’t cry.”

*~*P~A*S~T*~*

Everything was stressful. Being given only a year to find a company who thought he was worthy, was stressful. Entering JYP without knowing anybody, was stressful. Trying to live up to Chan’s talent, his standards, was stressful. Accepting that Changbin was better and more talented, was stressful.

Hwang Hyunjin was stressful.

At first, when Chan brought new people to the group Jisung was excited. New faces, new challenges, a better chance. And then Kang Kwangmin left – started training with Jisung – joined Chan’s band of misfits – then left the company without a word.

After that, Jisung wasn’t sure he wanted to befriend anyone, any one of them. He was careful about who he picked. Out of the six – Chan and Changbin excluded – that continued on into the elimination show, Felix was the only person Jisung really let himself get to know; to like. Felix wouldn’t be eliminated, couldn’t be eliminated, he was too talented, too kind, to unique. Felix would join 3racha for sure – he wouldn’t leave.

Jisung found reasons to avoid befriending the others; some spoken, some kept secret. Then there was Hyunjin.

At first glance, Jisung was intimidated. Hyunjin was gorgeous – handsome, certainly better looking than himself. The older boy was picked by Chan, so he had to be talented. And he was, Jisung discovered, Hyunjin danced like the world chased him, and he was kind and friendly to everyone.

Jisung was jealous. Jealous of Hyunjin’s appearance, dancing, personality. He hated it, Jisung hated it.

He also hated that Hyunin put stress on Chan. That Hyunjin couldn’t ‘ _get good_.’ That Hyunjin damaged their chances.

Jisung hated Hyunjin – and he hated himself for it.

There were many times, both before and during their reality show, where the two nearly threw punches. The worst of which has been a few days after Minho was eliminated. Tension and stress were through the roof – fear, insecurity, hatred – everything.

After Minho’s departure, Chan had been insistent that they practice harder – and Jisung really couldn’t blame him. But they’d been dancing for nearly six hours.

Jisung was arrogant, he was working on that, but he was also self-conscious. Insecure about his weight, his vocals to an extent, and mainly insecure about his dancing. He’d improved, a lot, since entering the company. And he was better than some of them, but he barely hit the middle of that pack at times.

That evening, however, Jisung was near the bottom, and he knew it. He knew each time he missed a beat, each time his arms missed a pose, and each time he caused everyone to restart the choreography.

“God! You need to learn how to dance! You aren’t a new trainee – you’re awful at it!” Hyunjin spat from the front of the room, “Why are you even here?”

Chan probably said something to defuse the situation. Woojin probably tried to get them to take a break. Changbin may have said something. Jeongin may have made a comment.

But Jisung didn’t hear them, “Yeah? Well, at least I can actually rap. Why don’t you get better at that?!” he could feel the heat burn his eyes. He was being petty, he was being mean, but he knew his dancing was bad, “at least I have something.” He watched the flash of hurt appear on Hyunjin’s face, before ducking out; fleeing.

Jisung hated being like that, being spiteful and defensive. What did Hyunjin do to deserve that anyway? Exist? Be Attractive? Dance well? Snatch his friends away? Hyunjin had been mean too, and not always in retaliation. Calling Jisung ugly – making jokes about how Chan thought of him as a charity case, a kid who’d never succeed without a white knight.

They’d discussed their hatred even, decided – mutually – to pretend they liked one another. Or at least that they were indifferent to each other. This time, Hyunjin was just voicing what everyone was already thinking, he wasn’t even breaking their truce. Not really.

“Ji?”

In his utter frustration and defeat, Jisung had stopped running near the window on the edge of the floor adjacent to the stairwell. He hadn’t even listened to see if someone had followed, or tried to stop the tears from rushing out of his eyes, ‘What Hyung?” he may have kept his voice level, but Chan had always been too observant.

“You alright, Sungie?”

Chan’s voice was too soft and too kind, he should be scolding Jisung for acting like a child. Chan should be proving Hyunjin right, and criticizing Jisung, or admitting that he was too much work – that Jisung was no longer worth the trouble.

Biting his lip hard, Jisung tried to keep his voice normal despite the increasing tears, “Of course...just tired, you know?”

“Jisungie,” Chan sounded closer.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes. I just needed to,” his sniff was far too wet sounding for Chan to not notice, “get a drink and a bit of air, you know?”

“Jisung?”

“I’m sorry, alright? I’m really sorry...I’ll get better. I’ll try harder. I promise,” Jisung didn’t fight when Chan turned him around, though he did duck his head lower in an attempt to hide; knowing he had made Hyunjin cry was a large enough guilt seed, knowing he’d disappointed Chan would have been much more painful.

“Hey, hey,” Chan quietly pulled Jisung into a hug, effectively silencing the younger’s rambling, “I’m not here to yell at you, Sung. Hyunjin was in the wrong,” he carefully added, “this time.” before continuing, “I’m just here to make sure you’re okay.”

“But I said –“

“Not now. Just calm down,” Chan ran his hand up and down Jisung’s back, “We should have stopped hours ago anyway. That’s my bad.”  Chan shushed Jisung whenever the younger tried to speak and waited until his breathing had returned to normal, “What can I do here Sungie?”

“I don’t know…”

“Can you and Hyunjin be on the same team?” Chan’s question was hesitant – troubled. “Because I don’t – I can't…”

“We can.” Jisung pulled away slowly, trying to sound convincing again, “I just need to be quiet…”

Chan sighed but said nothing and things continued on as they had.

~***~

Jisung had been successfully in avoided negative interactions, almost all interactions, with Hyunjin. Which helped. Viewers didn’t seem aware of their tension and the group as a whole appeared to flow better when the two weren’t shooting glares and harsh words.

They weren’t friends, but they’d become reluctant co-workers.

And then Felix was taken from them.

The September twins had spent nearly three hours crying together in the stairwell after filming had finished and the others had run to mourn in their own way.

Eventually, they had to part ways. Jisung had to go back to the dorms and Felix had to go to the temporary trainee rooms.

The walk back felt long. Jisung could have gone to the studio, but Chan was probably there – he couldn’t seem upset around Chan. That wouldn’t be fair.

The dorms were quiet and it looked like all their shoes were still missing, so Jisung let the tears he’d held during the walk fall again. Stray Kids without Felix was...hollow. Empty.

Without any of them, it wasn’t Stray Kids.

He tried to keep quiet, in case someone was home as he slowly crossed the room and made his way towards the back hall. Jisung just wanted to pretend nothing changed. That Felix would be playing around with him tomorrow. To just forget.

By the time he reached his bedroom, he was struggling to remain silent.

“Jisung?”

Of all the people Jisung didn’t want to interact with at that exact moment, Hyunjin was at the very tip-top of the list, “Yeah?” he didn’t look up a second time, and when Hyunjin didn’t answer, Jisung slowly moved to his bed, “I’m sorry,” the words cracked, “I’m really sorry about everything. I know th-at doesn’t fix anyth-ing but,” he tried to take a breath so he could continue smoothly, but that just caused more tears to fall, “I’m j-ust go-nna sleep…”

“Wait, hey Jisung,” Hyunjin had already crossed the room, “Hey, it’s okay. I forgive you. Really…” the slightly older 2000 liner carefully sat beside Jisung and pulled him into a hesitant hug, “I’m really sorry too. Okay? We’re both stupid.”

“No...I’m just, I-I’m n-ot…”

“Shh, we’ll talk later alright. I forgive you. Just try to calm down.” Hyunjin slowly tightened his hold, careful not to overstep, “Do you want me to call Chan-hyung, or maybe Changbin-hyung?”

Jisung took a long shaky breath and loosely returned the hug, “No...I acc-ept your apology too.” He felt Hyunjin chuckle breathily.

“I’m glad,” with a boost of confidence, Hyunjin increased the tightness again and leaned his head carefully against Jisung’s, “You’re making this easy. I was worried we’d fight through our apologies.”

Jisung relaxed a bit more, “Yeah...I’m an ass like that.”

“No. We just didn’t know where each other were coming from. You were defensive, but not an ass.”

“I’m a defensive ass…”

“I’m a heartless dick then.”

“No...You’re a soft-hearted dick.”

“And you’re a sweet defensive ass,” Hyunjin huffed softly, “Felix was worried about you… so much so he even asked _me_ to look out for you.”

“Sounds like him,” Jisung’s voice cracked again, “You know, I’m jealous of you. You’re way better than I am, at almost everything.”

“Except rapping?”

“I’m so –“

“I’m joking. I’ve always been jealous of you too. You do almost everything with ease.” Hyunjin paused, “And...you’ve always seemed like such an amazing friend. I’ve always been jealous.”

Jisung felt another fresh wave of tears spill out from his eyes, “I’m really shitty…”

“Okay, please stop,” Hyunjin squeezed, “We’ll talk about the ‘whys’ later. Alright?”

“Okay. But I’m really sorry.”

“I know. I am too…”

Jisung could hear Hyunjin swallow thickly and mentally braced himself for the older to reject him or destroy whatever they’d just created.

“Do you think we can be friends?”

Jisung finally relaxed fully, sinking further into Hyunjin’s side, “Please. If you’d have me anyway?”

“Definitely.” Hyunjin tightened his hands yet again, “No one is going to believe us. They’re going to think we’re faking still.”

“Cuddle with me,” Jisung pouted. His eyes were swollen and his heart ached, but cuddles would help and they’d freak out the other members.

Hyunjin laughed, this time more freely, “and give Seungmin a heart attack? Or maybe make Chan-hyung scream? Sounds good!”

“Thank you…” Jisung muttered as he pulled away from the first real hug he’d shared with Hyunjin, “I’m a great cuddler.”

“So am I,” Hyunjin smiled, though his eyes were brighter than usual and Jisung assumes he also cried moments ago. “Hold on.” Hyunjin moved back to his bunk and grabbed an extra blanket, “In case you’re a hog.”

“Rude,” Jisung stuck his tongue out shyly.

“We’ll start fresh tomorrow, okay? Tomorrow we’ll erase all the bad and start off as friends.” He pulled Jisung down and the blankets over them.

“Yeah,” the producer fought a yawn and snuggled into Hyunjin’s warm body. “I am really sorry and also really thankful…”

“Me too Sung. Me too.”

It was remarkably unremarkable. The two easily curled into each other; Jisung clinging with eyes still watering and Hyunjin squeezing his own eyes bright. Neither spoke. They just enjoyed each other’s warmth. When the sounds of the others started to filter into through the walls – no talking – Jisung assumed the silence was to be expected – Hyunjin was asleep. Jisung pulled him closer as images of Felix appeared in his mind.

The door opened, and the hallway light quickly fell upon the two boys and quickly retreated as the door was closed again. Jisung heard Seungmin and Jeongin’s harsh whispers calling for Chan.

The door opened a second time and Jisung looked past Hyunjin’s sleeping body. Chan looked bad – tired, upset, pained – he looked how Jisung felt. “Hyung?”

“Sungie,” despite his appearance Chan’s voice seemed bright, “I was hoping I’d find you sleeping – you weren’t answering my messages.” he muttered quietly, running his hands through Jisung’s hair – causing more tears to flow over out of the younger’s eyes – and then through Hyunjin’s, “I couldn’t have even hoped for this though. Am I dreaming?” his voice almost broke; almost.

“No. We’re working on it,” Jisung’s voice was deeper than normal, heavy, “I’m sorry…”

“None of that now Sung.” Chan wiped the new tears as they formed, “None of that. Okay? We’re almost there – almost to the end.”

Jisung nodded and snuggled even closer to Hyunjin, who subconsciously tightened his hold too.

*~*1~9*4~4*~*

“Smile Sung! We won,” Hyunjin continued as he ran his hands through Jisung’s hair, “3racha’s the powerhouse of the stage and Stray Kids took number one ~ Sungie smile, don’t cry.”

Chan continued his speech and Jisung tried to smile, but he couldn’t pull it together. The tears continued steadily, only increasing when Changbin grabbed him.

Jisung finally managed to slow the waterworks when they reached their ready room; his eyes burned and his vision was blurry, but he was so warm and so happy.

“Do you have eye drops with you, Ji?” Hyunjin was already dressed to leave.

“No,” the rapper laughed at his distorted voice, “I’m a mess, huh?”

“Nah,” Hyunjin slapped the younger’s back kindly and pulled drops out of his back pocket, “Here. No more tears today, alright? It’s hard to laugh when you’re crying.”

Jisung tilted his head back and relished the relief the cold liquid gave, “Thank you for not laughing on stage, I had enough trouble.”

“I’d never laugh during a situation like that, you needed a hug.”

“Thanks,” it wasn’t just a ‘thank you’ for the moment – it was timeless.

“Always Sungie,” Hyunjin bumped his shoulder into Jisung, “It’s our bit, right?”

“Yeah,” they watched the others run around and gather their things, “we should cuddle tonight – watch something sappy, kidnap ‘lixie, convince Seungmin and Jeongin, maybe everyone?”

“Sounds perfect.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> That's for reading <3


End file.
